the sunday superlative - 2/1/09

This Week: Super Bowl Halftime: Alternate Programming



I don't know if you knew this, but the Super Bowl is today. I know! Crazy, right? I just found out, too. Naturally, this entails Super Bowl-ish things: millions of flickering TV screens, almost as many parties, countless bowls overflowing with Doritos, and -- of course -- the reason why everyone tunes in in the first place: the fast-paced excitement, the adrenaline-pumping promise of physical injury as a devotion to one's craft, that slow-motion moment when it appears if only for a fleeting instant that all of your dreams for the evening may come true.

I am, of course, referring to the halftime show. At least, most years. But let's face it, folks: I disapprove this year. I'm not the biggest fan of The Boss. Yeah, sure, maybe he was born to run in the U.S.A. (in which case, why doesn't he take the field like a man?), but that's boring. More than likely, people are going to get up, stretch out, and leave the room.

So I envisioned a "what if?" scenario. What if I had been allowed to schedule the halftime show? How would I have filled those fifteen minutes? Well, may you wonder no more. By the powers vested in me, the following four songs (yes, I did four again -- maybe one of these weeks I'll learn my limits) would be performed by their respective artists in this order. I tend to be a modest guy, but I hasten to state that I am positive that, were this reality, America would not only stay firmly rooted in front of their TVs, but it would be far and away the most memorable and perhaps enjoyable stretch of the entire evening. So take heed, 2010 Super Bowl programmers. I would not mislead you.

Electric Six - "Dance Commander" (mp3|3.59MB)
Ours is a festive culture. We love to party, and dancing is in our blood. However, we're also hard workers: we earn our lazy Sunday evenings kicking back with friends, popping a beer, and watching the game. From my experience, once you're on the couch, you're on the couch. This is exactly why the halftime show is a perfect venue for the dance commander. Sometimes a person can't merely be talked into embracing his or her inherent dancing nature; sometimes, dammit, they just need to be commanded. Halftime is not an opportunity to get up, piss, stretch out, or get more hot wings; it's a time to bust a move. Were this to happen, I'd second the words of Dick Valentine to a tee: IT WOULD BE AWESOME.

Kelly - "Shoes" (mp3|2.53MB)
It's really just baby steps from Carrie Underwood to this. Let's not forget that women watch the Super Bowl, too, and that this enthusiastic endorsement of red-white-and-blue feminine consumerism would be heartily welcomed. Its accompanying YouTube video has spent two and a half years with "instant classic" status attached to it; this internet popularity is, if anything, the perfect signifier for a warm reception at the greatest of all American sporting events.

Styx - "Mr. Roboto" (mp3|4.36MB)
There's something undeniably beguiling about imagining this song being performed in front of millions upon millions of viewers. Seriously, imagine it as you listen. You'll see what I mean.

Team America OST - "America, Fuck Yeah" (mp3|1.93MB)
Super Bowl programmers are always looking for the ideal candidate to whip the crowd into a huge, patriotic frenzy. Why else would they book Bruce Springsteen? Well, I'll tell you what: no song in the past five years has made me feel as patriotic or as proud to be an American as Trey Parker's exuberant declaration of United States awesomeness. It's the sort of song so infectious, so utterly inspiring, that you not only find yourself shouting along with it immediately, but actually adding to it once it's over. While driving, for instance: "Subway; FUCK YEAH! Walgreens; FUCK YEAH! Stop light; FUCK YEAH!" It just makes you so damn happy to be alive in America in the 21st century, and I think more people need the feeling bestowed upon them.

See you next time, folks. Have fun tonight! I know I will. Probably bust out a favorite film or something.